Why does a narcissist return?
On / off relationships
When relationships end in order to start over and over again, both partners should look carefully at the reasons for this. This behavior is part of a relationship pattern that should be cause for concern. What is meant here are the bad relationships in which the partner demonstrably does not feel comfortable without permanently ending the relationship. Both go into a short break, do not talk about what they have experienced and everything starts all over again. A quick contact is enough and the relationship is resumed. Often it is even unclear whether you are separated or have just taken a break. A look at the status on Facebook is also not uncommon. In the relationship with a narcissist, this aspect creates a very unique dynamic.
Even if the partnership is officially over, there is still something in the room. A sweater that has yet to be picked up or keys that will never find a buyer. The aggressor takes his time and always leaves a few doors open. Unfortunately, these incidents are the order of the day.
Even trifles cause him to say goodbye to the relationship without making a statement, or he pretends to want to leave the relationship.
The partner cannot cope with these farewells, as various signals often have to be interpreted. Is he coming back? Did he say he'll be back? Nobody seems to know! If the narcissistic partner actually comes through the door again, the partner breathes a sigh of relief because the uncertainty has come to an end.
The person concerned goes back into the relationship and tries to counteract these irritations in order to avoid a painful separation. Unfortunately without success. The aggressor registers the only success, as the woman takes him back again and again and directs her further behavior according to him.
In addition, he asks her to put the old burdens and bad feelings aside immediately. So he doesn't have to admit his own wrongdoing, since the past no longer plays a role. He pretends nothing has happened and goes back to business. It seems like only the partner has the breakup emotionally gone through.
He promised to change:
No, he doesn't want to. Of course he will have promised to change because now that is also possible. He just needs a first, second, third, fourth ... chance. If he has not yet found a replacement, he does not want to lose his victim. As simple as that.
It is not easy to find someone to exercise control and power over. Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with love. No matter how often he says that, he means something else. No woman should forget that when she is telling herself that he still loves her after all and that everything will be fine. Whether he will actually give up the newly won freedom with his Next is questionable anyway.
If another victim has already found himself, the separation is much easier for him to organize. He comes back to experience the partner's pain and blame her for the breakup. Although this perspective is very painful for the victim, it is actually the best thing that can happen to the woman. The narcissist leaves and hopefully never comes back. The feelings of worthlessness and exploitation are very troublesome and should not be underestimated.
Your pious wish "another woman"
That works wonderfully in one's own world of thought. If this fact is a reality, it looks very different. Many victims want him to find another woman and then end the relationship that way. But this is often a fallacy. When this fact is actually created by him, a very painful time of jealousy begins. The first time in the relationship, when everything shone in pink colors, is still present.
She now suspects all of this at Next and wonders whether it will get everything that she has ever wanted. The question of whether it was her fault and whether he is much happier with the new relationship takes up much more space afterwards than the feeling of relief.
This shot backfires. Guaranteed. Accepting therapeutic help is a better way of processing what you have experienced in order to properly classify these thoughts. However, it would be better to go first and find the jump yourself. It's better to live with it.
If at some point it turns out that this affair has existed long before, the pain is almost unbearable. If you leave and then don't look around, you're doing yourself a big favor
Why is there almost always another woman involved !?
In many cases, the partner has already signaled that she has seen through the aggressor and shows little goodwill to work on her admiration for him. Without this confirmation, he is no longer interested in the relationship and looks elsewhere.
If, on the other hand, she is noticeably friendly and affectionate, at some point she will no longer have any strength for the relationship. This approach is also unattractive for the narcissist, since the partner is not a challenge for him.
The fact is: If he does not receive any respect, admiration, recognition or narcissistic supply, he looks elsewhere. Without these plus points, he will quickly look for a replacement. Although this sounds strange and unkind, it unfortunately corresponds exactly to the facts.
How is his life going on now?
During the relationship, the person affected has learned not to take herself so seriously and has their focus on his life placed. So the question "what is my partner doing now" is hugely important. The spinning around this topic fills days, if not whole weeks.
Quitting is difficult and doesn't work in the beginning. The question of how he spends his time and which new women he meets keep his mind busy day and night and brooding over it never ends. The head cinema does not stand still.
How things will go on for him is clear, however. Anyone who has understood the background of their behavior and knows the clinical picture does not actually need to ask this question anymore.
The narcissist is looking for a replacement for the victim and please do so as soon as possible.
Victims / women he already knows are easier for him to manipulate and he will turn to them first. The individual behavior patterns of the women concerned are known to him and so he can turn to these people in a carefree and manipulative manner.
Reaching out to the ex could be the first step, if it is still inclined. Here he also receives confirmation that he is not responsible for the failure of the old or new relationship. One can only hope that word has already got around who is the problem here.
Unfortunately, the aggressor is also a master of manipulation here and has often turned his surroundings against the victim in advance. So even after the separation he remains behind with a white vest and the partner faces a hostile environment. The victim is rarely heard by acquaintances and mutual friends and is not safe from further manipulation.
Separate relationships are often continued on a friendly basis and the couple somehow, somewhere, can find their way back together. This approach is also not unusual. If he gets in touch a few days after the breakup and starts a harmless conversation, the relationship is open again. If children are involved, this is often used to exert influence.
Even if the aggressor already has a new partner, he often signals that he is interested in continuing the relationship. Instead of drawing clear boundaries, he shows that he would still be interested if the partner ... this ... and if the partner would ... do that. He leaves enough room for interpretation and continues to ensnare his victim. A breakup doesn't stop him from continuing to show himself jealous in order to keep control of the ex-partner. The victim calls it: "He can't be without me" and makes himself hopeful again.
Why do I keep going back?
A text message or an e-mail is sometimes enough to set everything back to the beginning. Whereby a new beginning does not mean that a problem is solved satisfactorily and that both are happy for the rest of their lives. It just starts all over again, until the next breakup. Friends and acquaintances begin to smile when the affected woman announces that the relationship is over. The relationship has long since become a kind of purpose in life, without which the person concerned can no longer get along. Her mind only preoccupies the aggressor until one day she realizes that she is in a strange way about himdependent has become.
Since the structure of the relationship has taught her to only spin around the aggressor, she of course continues to do so to a very strong extent. This process feels like an addiction. Not directly because of the casual partner, but rather because of your own thoughts. If the aggressor reappears in any form, this feeling calms down immediately.
Sometimes the victim even gets involved in a secondary relationship in order not to have to give up the narcissist entirely. She goes from a former main relationship to a relationship in which she is now having an affair with the aggressor.
"I don't want to be alone"
Of course, everyone in their partnership is looking for love and wants to feel secure. Compromises are made for this, but in a relationship with a narcissist they lead to complete self-abandonment. Your own dignity and moral concerns say goodbye to the fear of finally losing your beloved partner. Only contact with the partner counts.
Breakups are tried many times and fail. The aggressor does not put an end to this either and so the assumption arises in the woman that he, too, is still interested in the relationship, but does not want to admit this for whatever reason. Excuses for his separation behavior are sought and found.
However, there are only compromises if he gets a benefit from it. The partner, on the other hand, has to adapt. If they do not comply with the rules and are unreasonable, the relationship will be terminated again. If she wants a red sofa and he wants a green sofa, he doubts his partner again. Did he make the right decision? Can she really be the right partner for him if she keeps disagreeing? A very strange way of thinking in this case, but it can be transferred to almost everything and triggers one separation after the other.
The narcissist's words: "I always have to do what you want. You narrow me down," are the best expressions of what he thinks.
In this game, the partner gets the right impression that the separation doesn't seem to matter much to him. Since he refuses control, the separation is actually inevitable for him. However, he always likes to feel his power over the victim and to persuade the woman concerned to make a new beginning. If the person concerned is ready to give up their opinion, even if they lose their dignity in the process, he is happy. He also solved the problem with the sofa in this way.
If the partner accepts his offer and goes back after a breakup, although another woman appears on the horizon, he feels even more confirmed. If she has to deliberately line up behind his new relationship, he has achieved it.If it turns out later that this affair had existed long before, the pain is almost unbearable. If you leave and then don't look around, you're doing yourself a big favor.
"I still want to go back"
In the first time after the breakup, only this one thought prevails. We are well aware of the fact that we lived alone, more or less, during the relationship; nevertheless, there was still the partner around whom all the thinking revolved. With the separation you have not only lost the narcissist, but also the center of your life. The living conditions are now changing dramatically and you want to go back into the relationship so that the pain finally subsides.
Then there is the processing of the supposed guiltto have pushed the separation. If the aggressor plays out these feelings of guilt even after the separation because the victim does not break off contact immediately, the person affected ends up in an endless loop and reproaches themselves. To avoid these feelings, many of those affected go back into the relationship. This state can only be ended if contact is actually broken and the brainwashing comes to an end.
The person concerned is not to blame at the end of the relationship. Rather, the aggressor himself, with his perfidious behavior towards the partner, provoked the separation.
What the victim rarely sees in this situation is the fact that the aggressor accuses the victim of his own wrongdoings.
How am I supposed to survive all this?
Breaking up with a narcissist feels like breaking up with yourself. And that's exactly what it is. The narcissist has no personality of his own and has only explored the partner. Despite everything, it is worth keeping the separation through, even if it is difficult not to get carried away by a torrent of lies and enticements. These promise a better partnership, but nothing will ever come of it. It's just words. Words without meaning or background.
No matter what happens; it can't get any better. The narcissist cannot change their behavior. His personality, damaged by severe abuse in his own childhood, cannot allow that to happen. Only the partner can change her situation and steer her life in a different direction.
... but then I failed.
No you have not. The aggressor's next relationship will end like this too. His psychological and verbal injuries will also have an effect there. It's not up to you, no matter how he utters that over and over again, like a broken record.
The narcissist and his victim role
After a breakup, the aggressor has to be without for a long time destructive behavior get along. He now has to be extremely friendly to the new partner so that she does not immediately run away again. He can therefore only live out his destructive side to a very limited extent.
This knowledge makes him incredibly angry. He knows exactly how difficult this time will be for him.
So he will keep his runaway victim (YOU), if it stays in contact with him, again and again in his eyes rightly accuse that YOURegoism it is to blame for what he now has to endure.
What does this inevitably mean for him?
He is the victim !!!
Who would have thought that ???????????? (Sarcasm)
Take your eyes off and go!
The victim rightly leaves the site of many fights, defeats and injuries. It turns its back on a theater of war and leaves, burdened by the guilty feelings of its statements and entanglements. However, everyone can protect themselves if they are hit by others, regardless of whether it is done with words or whether devious, emotional attacks are used for it.
Run away before he catches you again with his charm and persuasion. You are not to blame for everything, no matter how much he wants to tell you a hundred times.
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